I hope you enjoy this newly-revised lesson that I first published at WritingFix back in 2009.
Some Pre-Writing Before Sharing from the Mentor Text:
Write the topic--"A Personal Narratives about a Good Friend"--where all students can see it. Inform students they will have five or ten minutes to write between five and eight sentences about a special friend (past or present) who is about their own age. Review what "personal narrative" means, stressing they will be using first-person point-of-view as they write. I ask students to try and choose a friend they have a photo of, because I'd like them to eventually have something visual to go with this writing, which they will put in their writer's notebook.
Allow for ten minutes of sacred writing time (SWT), which means quiet writing time in my classroom. Some of my students will easily write a whole page of words in this time, but I have many students who only can manage five or six sentences with on-demand prompts like this one.
Below (and at right) is my teacher-made model that I use when demonstrating the revision lesson found lower on this page; I wrote the model quickly, wanting it to be competent but clearly needing some revision. I find most of my writers give me a lot of description about their friends but not a lot of story. The focus of the revision mini-lesson I have below is teaching students to select and focus on a SPECIFIC STORY (as opposed to generalizations) about their friend.
Mike Mackechnie was my first friend with red hair. I met him when I was two, though I was too young to remember the actual day we met. We stayed best friends for ten years. He had freckles not only on his face, but all over the rest of his body also. I swear he had them on his fingertips. I think I spent the night at his house more than my own. Mike was a great best friend.
I have my students write their rough drafts on a loose piece of lined paper, but you could have your students write theirs directly into their writer's notebooks. A few days after writing to the prompt, we read how Ralph Fletcher chose to write a personal narrative about three of his closest friends from his childhood.
Interacting with the Mentor Text:
There is a wonderful chapter in the middle of Ralph Fletcher's Marshfield Dreams: When I Was a Kid called "Friends, Age 10." The chapter (found on page 85 of my hardback copy) is introduced with a black-and-white photo of young Ralph Fletcher and his friends all in Boy Scout uniforms. I love this little chapter. Mind you, the absolute best chapter in the book is the final chapter where Ralph informs his friends he is moving away, and they hold a good-bye "funeral" for him in the woods; I am teary-eyed every time I read that final chapter, but it's the "Friends, Age 10" chapter that really sets the stage for that final chapter to be so poignant.
In this chapter, Ralph introduces us to interesting details he associates with his three closest friends from boyhood: Andy Hunt, Steve Fishman, and Larry Walters. The author remembers each friend with unique, sensory-friendly details. My students like the stories about Larry the best, which isn't surprising since he is the funniest of Ralph's friends. At the end of reading, I ask students to go back, re-read, and find sensory details associated with Ralph's three friends. What Fletcher does well here (and throughout the autobiography) is that he includes sensory details with showing sentences, not telling sentences. Immature writers tend to list telling sentences about the senses: the beach looked like this; the ocean sounded like this; the sand felt like this. Fletcher refers to the senses so subtly that you hardly notice his attempt: "The kitchen in his house had a wild, spicy smell that I loved. Steve and I played music in his room, fooled around with his father's barbells, and talked endlessly about a girl we both loved." Ralph's writing style has him share unique details that appeal subtly to all five of the senses, not just sight, which is what my students usually focus on.
I ask students to look back at their writing from a few days ago: "Where could you subtly add one more sensory detail to improve your original draft about your friend?" Students share their best sentence modifications with each other.
In my classroom, we then take some time to do some mentor text analysis. I have half of the students focus on just the first two paragraphs about Steve Fishman; the first paragraph of this section starts with "Steve Fishman lived on a small farm..." I have the other half of the class focus on just the first two paragraphs about Larry Waters; the first paragraph of this section starts with "Larry Waters lived down the street..." Below, you can find my analysis tool and my instructions to students.
Ranking Fletcher's Writing Skills
4 = highest skill; 1 = lowest |
Teaching Text Analysis for Common Core Standards:
This is an optional step to use if you're going to have your students take the writing they did about their friend all the way through the writing process. Students should work with one partner as they use the checklist at left tool to practice analysis skills.
The checklist at left asks students to re-read and closely analyze four of Fletcher's writing skills against each other. Assure your students that the author does all four of these things well in his published writing, but their task is to decide which one skill stands out the strongest in the section they have read and mark it with a "4." The next strongest skill gets a "3." etc.
The purpose of this ranking activity is to help students analyze a real author's writing skills by comparing their presence to each other. They will need to do this with their own rough drafts, and this is a practice round they can complete with a partner. |
|
_____
_____
_____
_____
|
The author tried to appeal to multiple senses with this chapter (sight, taste, touch, smell, sound).
The author used strong verbs to help involve the reader in the story's action.
This author included just as much of himself ("I" and "me") in this description as he did his friend.
The author really sounds like he likes remembering and writing things about his friend. |
Click here to print the above checklist to duplicate for your students. The handout also contains the second checklist, which is used in the next activity. I cut the whole page into thirds, give each student a strip that has both checklists (for this activity and the following one), and have them fold it in half. We start on "Side A" when analyzing the mentor text; we move to "Side B" when students are self-analyzing their own drafts.
Have students work together to use "Side A." Encourage them to disagree with their partners if they honestly don't agree with a ranking based on Ralph Fletcher's excerpts; if they talk it out, they will end up with a more thoughtful analysis of the writing. Remind them of the word compromise as they work together.
Once they've practiced using the checklist on excerpts from the chapter, it's time for them to independently use a similar checklist on their own rough drafts.
Ranking my Writing Skills
4 = highest skill; 1 = lowest |
Applying Analysis Skills to students' own Drafts...
Again, this is an optional step to use if you're going to have your students take the writing they did about their friends all the way through the writing process. Students now use the second checklist (side B) from the handout and apply it to their own paper.
The goal of students ranking their own writing is for them to be able to tell you which skill they excelled the most with, as well as which skills they might consider focusing on during a revision exercise.
Have students quietly re-read their rough drafts about their friends, then apply the checklist to their own writing.
If you have time, have students share just their rankings with a partner. Most likely, they will all have different rankings, and this will lead to some good conversations. |
|
_____
_____
_____
_____ |
I tried to appeal to multiple senses with this draft about my friend.
I used strong verbs to help involve the reader in the action I included.
I included just as much of myself ("I" and "me") in this description as I did my friend.
I really tried to sound like I liked remembering and writing things about my friend. |
Have students focus on their #1 and #2 self-ranked skills. Ask them to think how they might consider adding one or both of those skills as they plan their revision of their friend draft.
Crafting a New Beginning...to Launch Revision:
I think one of the best revision skills you can teach your students is to a) put the writing away for a while, b) read it again, looking for skills that might improve the writing, and c) starting over. This is easier to teach them to do with smaller pieces of writing, like the short rough draft they have created about their friend for this assignment.
To start a piece over, students need a lesson in "Strong Leads." The following worksheet is designed to have them come up with four different ways to re-launch their description about their friend. Each lead on this worksheet also points the writer in the direction of a SPECIFIC STORY about their friends.
Great revision almost always starts with a new first sentence! |
Lead #1: An ALMOST ALWAYS lead answers this question:
What is something you could almost always say about this person?
| My teacher-made example: You could always count on Mike Mackechnie to invite you over for a sleep over. We watched countless midnight scary movies together during the ten years we were best friends. |
Your example:
|
Lead #2: An ALMOST NEVER lead answers this question:
What is something you could almost never say about this person?
| My teacher-made example: No matter what we fought about, Mike Mackechnie never made me feel like I wasn't worth forgiving. The time I killed that bullfrog was the only exception. |
Your example:
|
Lead #3: A MOST MEMORABLE lead answers this question:
What is one thing this person did once that you'll always remember?
| My teacher-made example: On the morning we left Fresno--my hometown for twelve years--my friend Mike Mackechnie surprised me by waking me up at five a.m. I'll always remember how sad he looked when the U-Haul backed away. |
Your example:
|
Lead #4: A RIDDLE lead uses this frame to create a first sentence:
__________________ is/was the type of person who ___________ __________________________.
| My teacher-made example: Mike was the kind of kid who wore a t-shirt while swimming on a hot summer day. I think he was embarrassed by the freckles that covered him from head to toe, but I thought his freckles were so cool. |
Your example:
|
Click here to print the above worksheet to duplicate for your students. The handout needs to be printed on legal-sized paper.
Have students explore each lead's idea, then practice creating possible leads for their revised drafts using two or three of the ideas from the worksheet. Have students share their leads with each other, asking, "Which do you think would be the best lead for my revised narrative? Which one sounds like it would have me write a SPECIFIC STORY about my friend instead of just a lot of details?"
I have students record their two best lead ideas in their writer's notebooks, below their original draft, as I have done with the example at right.
Once students have all chosen a new lead, have them read their rough draft once more, then fold it up so they cannot see it. Challenge them to remember their best details from the rough draft when creating the new draft, but with the new draft, they should be focusing in on a SPECIFIC STORY about their friends; the revised writing should incorporate the rough draft's best details while re-seeing the writing as a story that includes both the writer and their friend.
Below is my teacher model of the revised draft that focuses on a SPECIFIC STORY. I have my students compare it to my original draft in my writer's notebook. I stress that a writer's notebook is our place to record initial ideas that can be transformed into stronger ideas during our writer's workshop time; the draft below would be something I work on (and develop further) during writer's workshop.
My Revised Personal Narrative inspired by the Writer's Notebook Page:
Mike Mackechnie was the kind of kid who wore a t-shirt when swimming. I think he was embarrassed by the freckles that covered him head to toe, but I always thought his freckles were pretty cool.
We lived in Fresno, California, where the summers were scorching, not cool. Mike, with his bright red hair, practically looked like he was on fire during the hottest afternoons. We spent our vacation days together, making friends with new neighborhood kids who had pools in their backyards, and we spent vacation nights watching scary movies during sleep-overs at his house.
When I was twelve, and my family moved away from Fresno, I'll always remember Mike looking so sad in our driveway as the U-Haul backed away. He found other friends after I was gone, and so did I, but I never had another friend like Mike Mackechnie. |
Building a Two-Page Notebook Spread...a Tribute to Two Friends:
A few days after reading and interacting with "Friends, Age 10," and after revising my original draft about Mike Mackechnie, I show my students that I actually have a two-page spread in my notebook that is a larger tribute to my friends from childhood. I say, "Ralph Fletcher writes short tributes about three of his friends. I thought I could do the same for two of my friends." I explain that I actually started the process of creating this two-page spread by looking through my box of loose photographs. I'm not much of an organized album-keeper; I found two pictures of old friends that made great additions to my writer's notebook in the bottom of my box.
My students have already heard about my process in writing about Mike Mackechnie. I tell them that--for my second page, about another friend, Eric Thorsen--I free-wrote a paragraph that tried to use a few more showing skills than the original paragraph I had about Mike Mackechnie. After writing the paragraph, I brainstormed and wrote about two other sensory-related memories that I had of this second friend. This helped me complete my second page.
I challenge my students (usually by "daring" them, which is just my style) to build a two-page spread in their notebooks that shares best memories about two of their friends. "Good writing," I explain for the umpteenth time to them, "comes from having multiple choices of things to write about. The first thing you think of to write about is not always the best idea you will have. You have to give yourself multiple options to choose from for writer's workshop, and your notebook is your safe place to briefly explore those multiple ideas." This two-page spread in my notebook provided me with two really good options to write about, but only one of them actually went through the entire writing process when all was said and done.
Using my Teacher Model to Demonstrate my own Writing Process :
I believe the most important thing I do as a writing teacher is show my students that I write too. Not only do I keep a fairly impressive writer's notebook, but I also show my kids drafts and final copies of longer pieces of writing I have created that was originally inspired by my notebook's ideas. A teacher who teaches writing simply assigns it; a writer who teaches writing demonstrates the process. What makes me a better-than-average teacher of writing is that I am a demonstrator. I post this lesson, hoping you're inspired to demonstrate your own process too. Your student writers need to see and hear about how you craft pieces of writing too.
Although I really liked the Mike Mackechnie side of my notebook spread (and the revisions I did to the draft I'd placed there), the memories I had of my other friend--Eric--while I built my second page inspired me more to go further with a longer piece of writing.
I offer you access to my almost-finished final draft of my memoir about Eric Thorsen below. I thank Ralph Fletcher for inspiring this narrative with his own memories of his friends in Marshfield Dreams. I thank my own established writer's notebook for being a place where ideas can be worked out as longer papers.
An Invitation to Share Students' Friendship-Tribute Pages:
You will have students who create awesome notebook pages inspired by this activity--ones that should serve as models for future students who go through this writing activity. I hope you'll consider photographing and sharing any students' notebook page that really are inspirational. Tell your students you're going to choose the two or three best notebook spreads and post them at WritingFix's Ning; this is a fabulous way to motivate your writers, and your students could very easily have their pages seen by the tens-of-thousands of teachers and writers who visit our site annually.
The link in below will take you to our posting page specifically set up for this lesson. And hey, I'd love to see teachers sharing their own models of this assignment too!
Click here to visit our ning's posting page,
where you can post photographs of student notebook pages.
